Christmas Is Pain

F A# F There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard A# C Now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred A# F A# Dm C And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the drain F Christmas is pain F A# F There's a crowd on the hillside with hatchets and saws A# C With a keen disregard for the forestry laws A# F A# Dm C And they happily hum while the stumps slowly bleed in the rain F Christmas is pain F A# F And the stockings are hung by the chimney with care A# C As if anyone in their right mind would hang 'em there A# F A# Dm C And some tired old crooner is croakin' out carols again F Christmas is pain F A# F And you wait for an hour to see Santa Claus A# C And he's covered with velveteen, bourbon and gauze A# F A# Dm C And he pinches your mother and she can't find the words to explain F Christmas is pain F A# F And the hungry are hungering on Hunger Street A# C While the people on Plenty Street . . . eat A# F A# Dm C And you punctured the roof of your mouth on a sharp candy cane F Christmas is pain F A# F And all the good cheer is just Madison Ave..news A# C And all the best Christmas songs were written by Jews A# F A# Dm C And the eight tiny reindeer have left an embarrassing stain F Christmas is pain F A# F And two-thirds of the world doesn't give half a damn A# C And the rest are all bloated on marshmallowed yams A# F A# Dm C And if Jesus was here, he'd be sent to the back of the train F Christmas is pain F A# F And they double the price of whatever you need A# C Singin', "I pledge allegiance to corporate greed" A# F A# Dm C And you're forced to spend several hours conversing with your old Aunt Lorraine C who's insane C with a brain on a plane to Spain C where the main stays rainly in the flat terrain F Christmas is pain